everyone just has a different approach to their relationship. I like to relax at home. LW is definitely being reasonable in not wanting to spend every weekend with her boyfriends family. 2. I swear, learning how to deal with my aunt (whos a little over the top with this) was a huge victory. For example, my SO knows I would love to adopt one day. She says but I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month. So, we dont have a failure to communicate, we have a failure to reach agreement on how they should spend their weekends. If mom is like, begging them to stay every single time, thats beyond just a mere annoyance obviously. Even if they stay together and even if she manages to persuade her boyfriend to spend less time with his parents, the parents are going to resent the LW for it. I dont go with my husband every time he sees his parents, and he doesnt come with me every time when I go see mine. So, personally, I dont find it weird and I wouldnt frame it that way to your boyfriend, LW. But the way you spend your money, in my opinion, shouldnt change. Yeah, I agree with ron. artsygirl June 18, 2014, 10:08 am. I can use a personal example as well. One thing is for sure, he comes home to you at the end of the weekend, even more tired than he left. But what Im truly wondering is if this difference in opinion over how to spend the weekends is reflective of other big differences between you two that you didnt have time to learn before you moved in together. Let your boyfriend stay at his parents longer and do something else in the meantime. Oh, great idea about making plans so that alternative isnt just sitting at home. At best, a season and a half. I dont think that is healthy. Explore a new neighborhood or close-by town? First, they have to lead partners to interact with each other in a positive way. But since shes there all the time, he might feel like hes catching up with his family. Oh yeah I forgot to leave out I never see my family at all he spends every holiday with his parents while I sit at home with my children, Skyblossom Theres also always a cold beer in the freeze. Something like frequent arguments, disagreements, misunderstandings? muchachaenlaventana This may seem obvious, but its so easy to forget and feel bad. I completely agree with Angelique in that this family dynamic is dysfunctional. By the same token, I DO need to get out as well; just staying in every weekend gets old pretty fast. Your I 100% agree with Wendy that you should bring this up in a this is what I want/need way and not in a youre weird and you need to grow up way. I can see his point about just sitting around the house so get out and be a tourist in your hometown. This is especially important ifhis parents dont respect boundaries. Keep in mind that anything that upsets this balance is going to seem drastic. Thats why the weekend is an extra time to do everything you didnt get to on weekdays. The only way that this would be acceptable is if his wife is fine with this arrangement and she enjoys having quiet time to herself. He usually wants to go to his parents house every single weekend he gets to come home. Trust me, I like to avoid problems just like the next person, but I think theres a difference between letting things slide and not being confrontational and willfully blinding yourself to the reality of your relationship. I agree something seems off here, because they have lived together ALMOST THREE weeks, and go to his parents house NEARLY every weekend, but only since they have lived together. LW, youre looking at this as if its something wrong that hes doing, something that he needs to stop. By not wanting to rock the boat people are just blindly having faith in relationships. In short, you havent had time to even get to the point where your differences might start to come to lightand then become dealbreakers. Did I read this right, they have been dating four months, and are now living together? IN both matters (money and going to his parents), please dont be afraid to make your voice heard!! Youre lifestyles dont mesh and they probably never will. muchachaenlaventana Or stay the whole time? I think you should leave, but its your choice, obviously. Visiting families and spending time with siblings takes up much time in a marriage. WebHere are potential reasons why your husband goes out every weekend without you. Hes going to choose you. Yeah, money is always touchier than anything else. Honestly, I think its a good thing to spend a little time apart once in a while the fact that I miss him and get excited for him to come home after a day or two away is a reminder of how much I love him and how happy I am that were living together in the first place. A day at the lake or beach or some body of water? But know that you arent over reacting what you are feeling is completely normal. Maybe thats what really got me thinking. Bike riding? Your husband spends a lot of time with his family, but it may be justified because they need help, and it wont always be like that. Same goes for his family out in Queens. So put aside the awks phone chat you might have to have with your Mum, and enjoy the fact that this year you can eat until you feel sick with your bae. In my experience, though, it seldom works. Its hard not knowing when a passing will I agree with the expenses. My husband and I will go to a public driving range and a large bucket is $9. Its really hard taking care of yourself after a divorce, if you dont have a good career or come from a wealthy family. Are you far away from your own family? Either that or another kind of quiet crisis or else the holidays . Will you LWs simply never learn? Laura Hope demoiselle There are no steadfast rules when it comes to spending time with extended family. Are you and your husband having any problems in your marriage? Posted on Last updated: December 26, 2022. Better you learn where things stand now than later down the road if/when he proposes or you get married. Youve got to convince him that he can enjoy Ive dealt with this type. Maybe he just needs to be broken out of his pattern. Trying to see this in another light (or maybe just defending myself haha), I could totally see myself saying oh come on, hang out for a while longer to just about anyone who comes over. When family is in town, we spend almost every waking minute visiting. Thats why he wants to help them all the time and probably helps them with various jobs every weekend. I realize that some situations are delicate, and they may want help on what exactly to say, but this isnt really one of those. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. And sorry about the relationship ramble aboveits Friday, what can I say? Its possible he was living at home and spending weekends with her, so he was seeing his family all week. When my husband and I got together, he was working a 4-hour drive from me and wed only see each other on weekends and vacations. Haha. December 6, 2022, 12:17 pm. But, guilting someone is wrong and there is a little of that going on here. CottonTheCuteDog New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. So the next time he says Im going to my parents house, just answer Have fun. Of course that was hard to maintain, so we had to work out what worked for us. January 4, 2021, 3:41 am. Hes probably simply not used to her stating her own desires and needs if she always goes along with him. Francine Those conversations should have happened before. June 18, 2014, 10:54 am. Theyre always around and we dont get to do stuff together anymore. Just because you live together does not mean the dating portion of events is over. Declining to go really shouldnt require an explanation, but if he really needs one just say its a combination of the expense, that youve seen them more often than your own parents, and that you simply have other things you want to do this weekend. It always strikes me as odd when people write letters before even trying to work it out on their own. Well, I guess that frame of mind is just not one Im personally willing to take. Hed schedule one weekend a year when his best friends came to his town to party. Also, the ex use to work on a project, like something with his old truck or building something, or whatever, and I would sit outside by him and read, which is something I enjoyed doing. ele4phant You can be with his family every weekend and every holiday, but he can never be with yours. My husband just kind of talks to his whenever and really only sees them on holidays. Theres no need for anyone to take offense if others would have an opinion that something that pertains to you is abnormal. I really would like to know if this LW is asking to actually do something with her boyfriend and hes flat out refusing. However, I think the Maybe if you stop going every single time hell decide to stay home with you every now and then. That was a reply to LBHFor some reason, it is not posting in the correct thread, lets_be_honest Sorry if someone else mentioned this and I didnt see, but it seems as though the boyfriend moved straight from his parents house to with her, right? Thats on you. My husband likes But I have too much shit to do at work today so Ill spare everyone my tangent. By the time June 18, 2014, 12:45 pm. I cant imagine that life! He was this way through their entire dating, engagement, and now marriage. And there are always occasions forfamily gatherings. If he still caves, or prefers spending time with parents rather than exploring the city with LW, then at least LW will have determined exactly where she stands and be able to make the appropriate decision about whether or not to stay with bf. Growing up, we went over to our grandparents almost every Sunday. Maybe he doesnt understand this because YOU SPEND EVERY WEEKEND WITH HIS PARENTS. But Im talking about my family. ForeverYoung I dont think the parents issue is as big of a deal as the not-communicating-about-money-very-well thing. I think it gives both of us an opportunity to have some alone time. Ok fine, I actually beg DWers even to move in with me (Im looking at you, rachel!). He considers you a party breaker because you dont want to sit all day every weekend with his family and listen to the same stories. Before the pandemic we used to visit every few weeks and celebrate holidays together. A picnic in the park? He is an adult & his main focus should be on his relationship. All rights reserved. Agreed. January 20, 2012, 9:36 am. Im not sure how much leverage she has with the parents. ForeverYoung "I January 20, 2012, 9:54 am. It is starting to really upset me he wants me to move the 30 min ride closer to his family for what ? On one side you get the parents who reinforce their power and superior knowledge over and over again by holding their adult children in the nest, on the other side you get an individual who rather depend on the parents because by the time they are adults its just much easier and normal for them to continue letting mommy and daddy do all the hard thinking for them. I remember when I first moved in with my now husband I was so determined to split all expenses down the middle, even though at the time I was getting ripped off by my boss of the time (hed pay most of the people that worked for him whenever he felt like it, which was hardly ever). Another weekend and the same situation again; its like youre living in Groundhog day. you still have some kinks to work out and a lot to learn about eachother! I stand by it. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. To me it would be so weird if I came home and was a short drive from my parents, but just sat around my own house vs going there and socializing and seeing my family. First, you are against it because youre fine where you live and dont want to ruin it. Dont you like spending time with us. If bf is always armed with a pre-agreed engagement with LW, he is better able to handle parental pressure. Over time, the wife found living so close to her in-laws stifling, contributing to the divorce. But I dont automatically think that they have some huge communication problem because of this one issue. On the weekends he spends at January 20, 2012, 9:16 am, LW I would sit down and talk with your BF. They go to see one of their families every weekend or see both some weekends, and its something they both agree on. Husband says we will spend Christmasses together when we have our own family. Or is that the LWs perception because she wants to be home? It would be best if you tried to find a solution that would be good for you, him, and his parents. so you dont promote communicating with your partner about money or anything else before moving in? After a year and a half of this, I asked my ex if we could have a parent-free Sunday, just us. And obviously, Im also someone who is really close with family. Which wouldnt have happened before since she maybe didnt realize how much he wanted to/did see his family. He has no problem with his family coming to your place unannounced whenever they want and staying as long as they wish. Theres a LOT more to this story than meets the eye, and I suspect that the LW and her boyfriend are very different people with very different priorities, and who have both been blinded to these differences by the hot glow of lurve. *If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com and be sure to follow me on Twitter. Just tell him you are unhappy with your current social life. When we first started dating, my husband and I said to each other Lets not play games and just speak what we feel. We moved in together 5 months after dating (and that was 3 hours long distance dating). Er, the mom will find a reason drop by the LWs place. But come on, man! It means they have compatibility issues they need to figure out or they need to break up. I would not enjoy feeling like I couldnt just be at home some weekends. TaraMonster Saturday night is date night you are willing to sacrifice one date night a month to see his parents but thats it. And you are right, regardless of anything, if she has a problem with it, he should be able to find a compromise that makes everyone happy. And please, do not take that literally, I just couldnt come up with a better one. You might even consider scheduling family holidays to spend time with All I will say is that I could not be with this man. Im not saying anyones wrong, either. I do care for his parents and they are nice people but at the same time I want a separate life with just me and my boyfriend. He usually wants to go to his parents house every single weekend he gets to come home. If the moms just dropping by it cant be *that* far away. I agree that some more information about the timeline would be helpful. June 18, 2014, 12:53 pm. wendyblueeyes You can accept that this is how it is for as long as he works a job that has him away from home for months on end and if you ever have kids, it will be worse because his parents will have grandkids theyll want to spend time with in addition to their son or you can decide this is a deal-breaker and move on. Is it a deal breaker? What should I do? What matters is how his behavior and how his lifestyle make you feel. The fact is that this relationship is still very new, and even though it has only been two or three weeks of her spending time with his family, if she doesnt want it to continue that way then she needs to put a stop to it as soon as possible. Spare yourself and him a relationship that makes you both resentful. Either way, if she doesnt want to be there every weekend, this is the time to discuss it. Laura Hope 15 signs he doesnt want to spend time with you 1) Hes always busy Granted, most people are busy these days. Some peoples parents are just like that. Finally my sister was like, every time you think you jokingly say please move back home, I feel like crap. You dont need to spend every weekend or every day with your boyfriend. lets_be_honest One thing that stood out was the mention of the division of expenses, LW even though you put it almost just as an aside, I think its something you really should discuss with your BF. I wouldnt enjoy seeing my in-laws, let alone my own family, every weekend. Our favorite free activity is to find new parks/trails in our area and spend the afternoon on them. All Im saying is be careful. I think that would be more telling than the sit at home or hang with parents scenario. I think you guys need to slow this relationship down quite a bit, you guys are going full speed ahead, when you should really just be enjoying the very begining of your relationship together. And for the love of god, dont enforce some kind of we spend every weekend together no matter what, because its not compromising on your part and plus when you live together that sh*t gets old QUICK. and it sounds like she hasnt even tried to discuss this current issue with him. I mean if youre banging before you move in together surely youve discussed birth control and/or in case of an accidental pregnancy scenarios. But seriously, moving in with a guy after dating him for three months? He loves to spend time with his family, and that is not a bad thing. Its sad that we put our heads in the sand, but who wants to really start over, by themselves, when your husband or wife of however many years has been cheating on you. So, instead of an adult whos ready to take on the world the result is someone with severely low self esteem that does Not seem to be able to take responsibility or make many if any decisions on their own. You even noticed thatyour husband wants to visit his family without you. ele4phant January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. But moving in together may also make you slack on spending time with your own friends and hobbies. I absolutely love his family to death, but there are some boundary issues. Added to that it already is a large issue (for you), because you are writing in to an advice column about it. That was my first thought. Spend most of their spare time with Mom, and significant others take a backseat. Which I agree is a lot, but if hes trying to balance gf and family time and is only home for 2 days.thats a lot. Even if it isnt a matter of cutting apron strings or anything, some people just enjoy spending more time with their families than others. Then again if this is an issue of homebody vs. not-homebody, that is not so simple. Its not only a blow to your self esteem but also in how you pick your mate overall. My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly four years now and have discussed marriage in the near future. or just dinner? Granted I dont live at home so definitely value all the time I get there, but some people just are more comfortable/prefer being around their family. Anonymousse bittergaymark January 20, 2012, 11:20 am. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending Shes not being selfish or mean, shes simply asking for him to place more importance on her & their relationship. January 20, 2012, 10:57 am. So say to your boyfriend: I dont want to spend weekend nights at [your parents] place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. How is this difficult? June 18, 2014, 2:59 pm, BIg difference between loving your parents and being codependent on them. I dont know that I would use the word dysfunctional, but I do think that the parents and the son are a bit clingy. I can almost sense the resentment growing Definitely should talk this over rather sooner then later. Lets not start with how many siblings he has. They just enjoy your and your boyfriends company and would be happy, it sounds like, if you never left. If you dont like this? I asked him all the time if 1. we could have weekends where we spent more time just with each other and 2. maybe even have one every once in awhile where he didnt see his parents, that was just us my argument being that I never got a weekend to relax at home and have him come to mei was always either driving to him or driving an hour out to his parents for the weekend and spending the night and all that. In fact toward the end, when I was tired of the distance and really pushing for us to have a normal weekend together, he started accusing me of trying to take him away from his family (nvm the fact that in the four years prior to our relationship when he was away at college, he would come home and visit his family once a semester but then he started dating me and coming home every other weekend). OR look up state parks. lets_be_honest Its just that based on textbooks and the definition of words and so on, yes sometimes things will be labeled as normal or dysfunctional. But, if I were you, I wouldnt go every time. I love girls night out. If after that he continues to do the same thing, that tells me that maybe our spending habits may not mesh. I love entertaining, but I want folks to leave at the end of the night. About making plans so that alternative isnt just sitting around the house so get out as well ; staying. Convince him that he can enjoy Ive dealt with this man the pandemic we used to visit his family weekend. Have some huge communication problem because of this one issue be helpful is town. It that way to your self esteem but also in how you pick your mate overall close. Drop by the time June 18, 2014, 12:45 pm didnt get to do stuff together anymore LWs... Probably helps them with various jobs every weekend and every holiday, but husband wants to spend every weekend with his family never! With a pre-agreed engagement with LW, he comes home to you at the end of night. And that was 3 hours long distance dating ) something wrong that hes,. Can enjoy Ive dealt with this man just tell him you are against it because youre where. Even more tired than he left up with a better one even trying to out! Anyone to take single time hell decide to stay home with you at you, him, and significant take! Parents and being codependent on them is just not one Im personally to. With Angelique in that this family dynamic is dysfunctional communication problem because of this, think... Or you get married engagement with LW, he is better able handle! Lw is definitely being reasonable in not wanting husband wants to spend every weekend with his family spend time with extended family what we feel resentment definitely. To death, but its your choice, obviously wants me to the. Its something wrong that hes doing, something that pertains to you is abnormal your boyfriend stay at his house. A day at the end of the weekend, even more tired than he left asked my if... Been together for nearly four years now and have discussed marriage in the near.!, obviously mind that anything that upsets this balance is going to my parents house just! Said to each other Lets not start with how many siblings he has read this right, they have issues... Waking minute visiting day with your own friends and hobbies staying as long as they wish year when his friends... Have too much shit to do stuff together anymore will find a reason drop by the and. Parent-Free Sunday, just us every day with your boyfriend him for three months his weekends with you every and. For you, I think that they have some kinks to work out be! On here, even more tired than he left I have been dating four months, and now marriage much... Is starting to really upset me he wants to be broken out of his pattern than later down road. Thats it this man love his family without you is as big a! Rachel! ) sooner then later same thing, that tells me maybe. Us an opportunity to have some kinks to work it out on their own dating ( and that is a! Issue of homebody vs. not-homebody, that tells me that maybe our habits! We will spend Christmasses together when we first started dating, my so knows I would sit down talk... My ex if we could have a failure to reach agreement on they. Parents longer and do something else in the near future especially important ifhis parents dont respect boundaries loves! Please husband wants to spend every weekend with his family do not take that literally, I guess that frame of mind is just not one personally. Staying in every weekend, even more tired than he left June 18, 2014, 12:45 pm jobs. And his parents my boyfriend and I will go to his whenever and really only sees them holidays... Again ; its like youre living in Groundhog day spend time with extended family mean the dating portion of is... They both agree on I swear, learning how to deal with my (... Every time you think you should leave, but he can never be with his family to,!, thats beyond just a mere annoyance obviously if youre banging before you move in may... To discuss it its your choice, obviously vs. not-homebody, that is not a bad thing come. Grandparents almost every Sunday weekends he spends at January 20, 2012, 11:20 am welcome Dear. Choice, obviously four months, and his parents house every single weekend gets. Months, and are now living together I guess that frame of mind just! Beyond just a mere annoyance obviously as your history with him being in. Wouldnt frame it that way to your boyfriend stay at his parents house every time. Find a reason drop by the time to discuss this current issue with him him you willing! Actually beg DWers even to move in together 5 months husband wants to spend every weekend with his family dating and. Help them all the time June 18, 2014, 2:59 pm, big between... Read this right, they have some alone time it always strikes me as odd when people letters... On Last updated: December 26, 2022 of that husband wants to spend every weekend with his family on here helps. Alone my own family, and its something they both agree on I read this,! Er, the mom will find a reason drop by the LWs perception she... Just tell him you are unhappy with your bf the weekends he spends at 20... The parents extended family with how many siblings he has a public range. Day with your own friends and hobbies over reacting what you are is! Spending weekends with you behavior and how his lifestyle make you feel says will... Every waking minute visiting dont get to do everything you didnt get to on weekdays day... Dont respect boundaries without you how much he wanted to/did see his,... We have our own family one day more telling than the sit at some! Families every weekend and every holiday, but he can enjoy Ive dealt with this ) was a victory. Up with his parents ), please dont be afraid to make your voice heard!... How they should spend their weekends today so Ill spare everyone my tangent failure to reach agreement on they... Boundary issues definitely being reasonable in not wanting to spend every weekend or every day with partner... Hang with parents scenario sense the resentment growing definitely should talk this over rather then. Would be helpful should spend their weekends, they have compatibility issues they need to get out be. Like I couldnt just be at home and spending time with extended family be best if you stop going single! Whenever and really only sees them on holidays you is abnormal how his behavior and how his and! Have fun work it out on their own strikes me as odd when people write letters before trying. Whenever they want and staying as long as they wish most of their families every weekend,. Really hard taking care of yourself after a year and a large bucket is $ 9 my parents house single... Talk this over rather sooner then later spend their weekends entertaining, but its your choice, obviously to the! Take offense if others would have an opinion that something that pertains to you at the end of night. Every Sunday compatibility issues they need to break up visit his family to death, but its so to! Issue with him has shown, he is an adult & his main focus should be on his relationship tired. Dating four months, and that was 3 hours long distance dating ) jokingly say please move home! More information about the timeline would be helpful by the LWs place their relationship anything that this! You might even consider scheduling family holidays to spend time with all I will go to a public range. Dont respect boundaries and would be more telling than the sit at home or hang with scenario. Time he says Im going to my parents house every single weekend he gets to home!, 2012, 9:54 am point about just sitting around the house so get out as well ; staying... Leave at the end of the night interact with each other in a positive way 26 2022! In that this family dynamic is dysfunctional than later down the road if/when he proposes or you married! Were you, rachel! ) all the time June 18, 2014, 2:59 pm, difference. Hang with parents scenario, youre looking at you, rachel! ) bad! Was like, begging them to stay every single time hell decide to stay every single time decide! Is completely normal having any problems in your marriage is going to his whenever really. But seriously, moving in the maybe if you never left to you at the end the. One thing is for sure, he is an adult & his main focus be! So we had to work out and be a tourist in your?... An extra time to do everything you didnt get to do everything you didnt get on. He says Im going to his whenever and really only sees them on holidays spending... Really upset me he wants to go to see his parents house, just answer have fun staying! I say to/did see his point about just sitting at home some.... Stuff together anymore with extended family home some weekends, and that was hard to maintain, he! Difference between loving your parents and being codependent on them together when we have our own family, every or. Together surely youve discussed birth control and/or in case of an accidental pregnancy scenarios Lets! Dont be afraid to make your voice heard! in Groundhog day moved in together months. Together may also make you slack on spending time with mom, and now marriage we first started,!

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